Well it’s been a while between posts. And this one isn’t what I had planned on writing.
I lost my first true adult love (and dear friend of 20 years) just over two weeks ago. An early and completely unexpected death. Heartbreaking. So I haven’t been up to writing until now. RIP Jimmi, I know you are watching over us.
And right now, I think my heart just broke a little more.
Sophie …”When I’m at Nana and Papa’s and they tell me not to suck my thumb, I tell them ‘Mummy and Daddy don’t seem to mind‘”…and then, after a brief pause…”And my teachers don’t seem to mind.“… Another pause, then…”The children at kindy mind my squiggling.“… Me “What do you mean?”…Sophie…”Well, look at this…I squiggle like this…(making large arm waving movements in the air)…”And they do it like this“…(making little finger waving movement in the air)… “And they don’t like how I squiggle. They tell me I’m doing it wrong.” ..Me… “How does that make you feel?” …Sophie…”Sad“… Me… “And what do you say to them?“… Sophie…”I say…That’s the only thing I can do“.
Thus ensued our first serious conversation about Kabuki (which she knows she has, but has never questioned). I talked to her about people who wear glasses, and people with guide dogs, and how some people’s bodies work differently to others. And how squiggling is easy for those kids, but harder for her because her body isn’t yet as strong as theirs. And that she should be proud of working so hard at something that is harder for her. And that there is really no “right” way to squiggle. That I love how she squiggles now, and if she gets better at it I’m sure I will love that too. Plus all the stuff about effort and perseverance being a more worthy quality than just being able to do something etc etc etc.
Ouch. Really truly ouch. Feeling sad. And somewhat inadequate. Wish I had superpowers to protect her from what is already starting to come her way.
She is a being of light. Please let no-one quash that.
Postscript… Frank just came out after finishing our family night-time ritual, and told me that Sophie said… “Daddy…do you know why it took so long for Mummy to get you tonight?“… (I usually tell her a story, the two songs, then he comes in for last songs before sleep). Sophie said “Because Mummy and I had to have a talk and a cuddle.”
Sometimes I wish the world was more forgiving. But I need to remember that people can’t understand what they don’t know. And need to persevere with giving Sophie the best of the knowledge and wisdom I have to offer. Which I hope with all my heart will be enough.